JournalCon made me contemplate a lot of surprising things, and since I found a lot of my meandering thoughts on the ride home rather meaningful, I thought I'd talk about them for a little bit.

See, I feel that for many years now, I've been moving more and more towards having a better self-image. Obviously, the struggle with trying to define yourself, understand yourself, figure out how you feel about yourself, and having many moments of feeling utterly bad about yourself are all there in middle school and high school. I was constantly observing everything around me in those years, feeling good about myself at times, and feeling inferior at others. Sometimes I wanted to be more like the smartasses, and other times I wanted to be more like the "perfect" straight-A students. Senior year was fun. I was a smartass with A's.

But I think everyone goes through those stages of wondering "should I be more like X?" at some point or another. You know?

This weekend was great. Everyone I met seemed so wholly unique and interesting. There were shy people, outgoing people, people with amazing talents. Very popular people, many unknown people. There were smokers and non-smokers, people of every shape, size, and hair color. Single, married, childless and babies on hips.

No one was just one kind of thing, either. Many people were cute and smart and eloquent speakers, AND swore like sailors.

Not only was it evident that we are different as people, but all of our writing reflects that as well. There were those who update daily, and those who have quit their journals. People who write about sex, and people who don't. Professional writers, and those brand new to the writing scene.

That is SO great to me. I love the variety, the loud and clear message that it takes all types to make the world go 'round. That's one of those Life Lessons, if you will, that I understand cognitively, in my head, but still need to see in action to feel that I truly know it in my actual life. Does that make sense?

I was actually outgoing this weekend, giving little or no consideration to how others might or might not judge me. I just went with it. I was just being me, and having fun, and feeling so carefree! I didn't know any of these people in my day to day life, so it didn't matter if I acted silly in front of them (or any other way). And then I realized that the people I do know? Especially in current work situations, where controversial stuff arises on a regular basis? It finally occurred to me that it doesn't matter how I act around them either! Fuck it. No more facades, no more hiding or tiptoeing on eggshells for them. If I have something to say, I'll say it. If I don't, I won't. I feel so much more confident and renewed in my own sense of self, and it feels fucking fantastic.

All the talk about writing made a huge impact on me. Especially regarding popularity and criticism. Some people will love you. Some people will hate you. The key is to write for you, and not put too much weight on everyone else's opinions.

Some Other Things I Learned From the Writing Panels:
~Be fun
~Be you
~Write whatever makes you happy

Also, regarding what others think:

That translates directly into life! Some people will like me and some won't, and I just need to never be afraid or ashamed of being ME, or afraid of losing friends for expressing my opinions, or of being myself. If someone's going to judge me on those things, they're not people I'd want as friends anyway.

It's important to be real, to be fun and have fun in life as well as in writing, and DO whatever it is that makes you happy. And that quote up there applies to life, because either you stop caring more about other people's opinions than your own, or you're not really living.

I have noticed a direct correlation in my confidence level to my writing. Whenever I am having trouble expressing myself in my life, I find it very difficult to say what I have to say in my journal, as well, especially considering that this is a public space. I could try to be more outspoken in my writing and hope that it transfers to life. But I honestly think it needs to be the other way around. I think the more confident I feel in my actual life, the more capable I feel, the more I like myself, and the more willing I am to express myself however I want to, the more likely I am to find my writing voice as well.

Now that I've truly embraced the whole "there's more than one level to each and every one of us" concept, I feel much more open to explore all the different levels of myself in my own writing.

I feel like I was more genuinely, naturally myself over this weekend than I normally allow myself to be. And it felt so great, and refreshing that I needed to say a bit about it, to remind myself to live like this always. Just put myself out there. Or just make sure to drink a whole lot more. That's one way to stay relaxed and keep those pesky inhibitions at bay!

Like I said, I've been moving towards a better self image for a while now. I recently promised myself I wouldn't waste time feeling bad about who I am, especially after reading that last novel (review will be posted sometime soon). And I've kept that promise. And I keep feeling like all these little steps, including reading that novel, and going to JournalCon, and other related things, are all little markers in life that tell me I'm going in the right direction.

Today I saw myself in the mirror right after I woke up, hair sticking out, bleary tired eyes, wearing my tight tank top and pj's, and when I smiled at myself, I saw a thin, cute, happy young woman. And I felt good about myself. And then I thought, hell yes! This is how we should see ourselves always.

I'm happy that taking part in JournalCon with all kinds of awesome people, and really listening to them, and discussing writing in a public form, and just experiencing a weekend out of my house and living my life could make me feel awakened to all these powerful things. JournalCon was fun, but I didn't expect that it would help me feel so renewed as a person, on so many different levels.

I hear that some people have customs in which they head out into the mountains. They don't eat or sleep and in that time, they learn sacred secrets of the universe.

Me? I go to JournalCon.