I was worried I wouldn't be able to maintain my good month-long veganism attempt while at JournalCon. I was also worried I'd have trouble with my feet. It turns out, I was right on both accounts! Then again, I predicted I'd have a wicked fun time (did I just say that?), and I was right about that, too. Wow, three for three! I am good.

So, I screwed up my vegan eating habits while I was at JournalCon. I didn't have to. I chose to. It was Saturday afternoon that things went downhill. When I woke up that morning, I thought that I probably shouldn't go to Alcatraz. I told Jen that I was worried about my feet. She mentioned there was a tram for people with mobility problems so I wouldn't have to walk up the hill. That was very encouraging. In typical Meg fashion, I vascillated for the next few hours. Renee said she was going, and I knew Beth was going. That was encouraging. Then I thought I'd heard that Anna Beth and Pineapple Girl were going, too. My brain was even egging me on (the bitch), saying, "C'mon, you know you want to." (Peer pressure from myself? That's sad, folks...) So I finally made the decision to just go to Alcatraz.

Sadly, AB and PG were not there, something I discovered somewhere between the hot and crowded bus ride to Pier 39 and the Alcatraz group photos, taken before boarding the boat. I actually was looking forward to going to Alcatraz again. Every time I'm there, I'm awestruck, and amazed at all the things that happened there, at what it must have been like to live there. And as far as my feet were concerned, Alcatraz wasn't the hard part. It was still tough, though. I kept having to kneel off to the side, to take the pressure off my feet. By the time the tour was over, I was feeling okay, but tired, and hoping to go back to the hotel. So, like I said, Alcatraz wasn't the problem. It was the insanely long walk afterwards (during which we were trying to find food) that made me want to rip my hair out. Not having any sense of direction, I was scared to attempt going back to the hotel by myself, so I followed people several blocks to Ghirardelli Square so that we could eat. I was exhausted, I hadn't eaten much of anything, and my feet were in excruciating pain. I kept thinking, "No, I can make it," and then suddenly, "No, I can't!" As my focus moved back and forth between these two thoughts, like some warped game of Pong inside my brain, I immediately wished I was spending time with Emily, AB, PG, and Pamie (because I want to marry all of them, I tell you!), and wondered where they were. I was upset that I hadn't listened to my instincts. I was upset that I have feet issues in the first place. I was sad that when I said I wanted to go back to the hotel, no one wanted to go back with me, which made me feel like the Queen Party Pooper, anyway. I was sad that I couldn't muster up the courage to go back by myself. I was even more upset that I was upset at all. I did not want to NOT be having fun over the weekend, but there it was: I was having absolutely no fun at all during that walking search for food. In fact, I was having an entirely internal pity party, which dragged my mood down father than I ever thought it would go. I didn't slow down or stop walking very much, because I really was so very hungry, and I kept thinking, "It's only another half block, it can't be farther than that. Don't make a big deal out of it." But then it was always farther! I was starting to think we'd never get there, and I was really worrying that I'd have to stop and wouldn't physically be able to continue, and that someone would have to come get me and drive me back to the hotel, which would only have made me feel like a huge nuisance. I kept wondering if I was unfounded in my upset feelings, and tried to push them away. It seemed like we were walking for an eternity, and I kept fighting back tears, and taking deep breaths. I did not want to start crying in front of everyone... or anyone!

We arrived at the Square, and Beth and I took a moment to wait at the bottom of the steps. Beth said her lower back hurt, and that she was exhausted. She had just carried her 20 lb baby all that way! What a trooper!! Then she said, "I could just cry." And I felt such relief. I wasn't the only one feeling that way! I wasn't alone; I wasn't being unreasonable. I also wasn't happy she felt awful. But knowing how she felt made me feel validated. We decided to head up the steps and when we got to the top, there was ANOTHER staircase straight ahead. I saw a bench to my right and immediately slumped down into it. I couldn't take one more step. I simply couldn't. Beth sat next to me, and Jared stood in front of us. I felt myself tear up a little, and I thought that wasn't so bad. But then, despite myself, I actually started crying. It all just got to me... no food, no sleep, low blood sugar, not having fun, wishing I was hanging with Em and those guys, and being in a ridiculous amount of pain. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to walk anywhere for the rest of the weekend. I was afraid I was ruining my tendons all over again and would need another round of physical therapy. I was having far too many moments of self-pity, and thoughts of "I'm too young to be having these physical problems," running through my mind. I contemplated calling someone's cell phone and asking for a ride back to the hotel. It all just came barrelling into me, and I got side-swiped by the sheer exhaustion of it all. The only thing I wanted at that point was a big comfy chair and a nap. I felt insanely self conscious with Jared and Beth there when I broke down, but they were very sweet. I could feel a sense of worry for me emanating from both of them (or perhaps it was just discomfort in an awkward situation!). Beth touched my shoulder sweetly. I said, "I'm sorry," and they both said, "No, it's okay," almost before I got the words out. I wiped my eyes, took a deep breath, composed myself, and said, "I guess I was more tired than I thought..." That was only part of it, of course, but I couldn't think of what else to say. Not that I needed to explain myself, or anything. It's just weird to see someone cry, and not know what's going on with them. Once I felt like I was okay again, we stood up and headed into the restaurant. The others in our group had secured some back tables in a corner, a cozy, cool spot where we could relax and eat quietly. I stood in line and stared at the menu, looking for vegan options. There were a few. But then I saw it. IT. This amazing description of their Michelangelo sandich: eggplant, tomatoes, onions and mushrooms, with feta and mozzerella cheese on focaccia bread. Oh. My. God. All my favorite things. One one sandwich. Served hot; melty, delicious, with a side salad of mixed greens. I felt like I'd just come upon The Holy Grail itself. Comfort food. Cheeeese.... I couldn't take standing on my feet for one more second, so I pulled out a twenty and asked Jared if he could order for me. He said he would. And he did. Jared is my hero.

Jill shared her garlic fries with me, because she is a goddess. When my food came, I could not have been more thrilled. I devoured my entire meal, except for the radicchio, which was a little too bitter for me. I sipped on my Coke, straight from a beautiful, tall, Classic Coca~Cola bottle. My stomach felt soothed. My blood sugar rose. My body thanked me. I could practically FEEL the serotonin being released from my brain, as a reward for giving it nourishment. Almost immediately, I felt better about everything. I still wondered what hanging with other folks would have been like (as it turned out, one group had a similar experience -- climbing many blocks up a SF hill -- so thank god I wasn't with them!), but I no longer thought going on the Alcatraz excursion was the worst decision of my weekend. I laughed, I enjoyed my lunch, and the company of the awesome people I was with (Beth, Vic, Kymm, Jill, Renee, Amanda, Karen, Mr. Karen, Jared, ... I hope I'm not forgetting someone!), and felt once again like I could conquer the world. When we stood up to leave, I was scared. I feared that my feet would tingle in such a searing pain that I would have no other choice than to chew them off with my own teeth. But, shockingly enough, I was fine. My feet hit the floor, and I felt okay. Maybe my brand new orthotics were helping more than I thought!

We walked what felt like a much shorter walk to a bus stop to catch the F train. The first bus wasn't going where we needed to be, so we waited for the next one. We all hopped on, and I got to chat with Beth about babies and motherhood. When we got off the bus, I took Vic from her arms so that she could get off the bus with ease. Then I didn't want to give him up! She let me carry him all the way back to Kymm's hotel room, where Kymm told her she could feed Vic in comfort. I loved carrying him. Mmm, baby goodness. Vic is soft, and relaxing to hold. I got baby drool down my shoulder, but I didn't care at all. I loved kissing his tiny fingers. That is one sweet kid. Outside, Emily passed us in the group heading out to dinner, and asked, "Who is that?!" to which I answered, "It's hers," pointing to Beth. Embarrassed, I immediately corrected myself, "I mean, HE is hers. He belongs to Beth!"

In Kymm's hotel room, Kymm, Beth, and I all got to take off our shoes, sit in comfy chairs and just chat for an hour and a half. I thought I'd want to take a nap in that time, but just sitting, talking, and relaxing was rejuvenating in and of itself, and was exactly what I needed. Our conversation covered a variety of topics, and I was suddenly very happy I'd gone to Alcatraz, or else I might not have had that time to just relax and discuss things with those two awesome women.

But didn't this story have something to do with veganism?! Okay....

In conclusion, that delicious cheese sandwich saved my sanity. And from that point on, I didn't care about even trying to find vegan food. I had this amazing crepe wrap in Japantown with avocado, sprouts, tomatoes, lettuce and ranch dressing. And Sunday morning, I had Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. It was all so delicious. I love yummy food. It feeds the body, but I really think it also feeds the soul. Since being home, I've eaten mostly vegan food (aside from some of Amanda's chocolate candy, the only stuff in the bag NOT musk-flavored... EWWW, by the way, on the musk flavored candy!! Yikes!)

So, I'm not exactly sure where I stand anymore on wanting to be vegan. All I know is that nothing quite saves the day like amazing food.

Thanks, cheese.

When I was younger, I used to have problems with passing out, having convulsions, and going to the ER to receive subcutaneous fluids. It was really frightening when I didn't know what caused it, and for a long time, whenever I got remotely dizzy, I became really scared. My prom was on a boat in the Puget Sound of Washinton. It was basically an awful experience, when it comes right down to it. But the worst part was that hours later, when I layed down to sleep, a wave of dizziness washed over me, and didn't go away when I sat up. It felt so much like the pre - losing consciousness/going to the ER sensations I'd had in the past that I immediately started panicking. When I realized I was just having motion sickness from the damn Sound, I relaxed and felt more annoyed than scared. Just a note: I did eventually discover, with the help of doctors and tests and whatnot, that the reason I used to pass out was because I had gotten too dehydrated, and tend to dehydrate more easily than most other people. So, drinking lots of water should prevent it from ever happening again.

(Hang in there, the point to this story is coming right up!)

So every time an elevator or boat ride would make me dizzy, I'd panic, even if I knew why it was happening. I couldn't help remembering those awful sensations of fainting, and I dreaded ever experiencing that again.

On Friday and Saturday night this past weekend, I drank a lot (a lot for me... don't laugh, those of you who were with me!). Friday night, I laid on my side for a long time. Then I rolled over to my other side, and suddenly, the room was swimming! I took a deep breath and calmly told myself that it would pass and not to worry. And I didn't. It was very cool. Saturday night, I was far more drunk and luckily, remembered NOT to roll over. Even lying still, I felt like I was underwater, being rocked around by ocean waves. It was a very odd feeling! And lying there, it hit me: I'm not afraid of being dizzy anymore. I've gotten past that. I can even just be drunk and be okay. I smiled, a sense of satisfaction filling me as I drifted off into a state of intoxicated slumber.

It is my belief that our thought patterns affect our physical bodies more than we expect them to. The more I concentrate on physical ailments I've had, the worse they are. I used to not be able to be near any smokey situations without coughing constantly. I used to have allergic reactions to smelling incense. I used to panic if I had to walk through a highly perfumed section of any department store. I used to refuse to enter stores if I smelled scented candles or even a hint of potpourri (god I hate that stuff). I used to be really affected by my allergies, is what I'm saying. But then I started experimenting with various situations. A few months ago, I was in a club where there was a lot of incense. I just told myself to relax, and that if I started to feel bad, I'd leave. But I never felt bad, so I stayed and had a great time. Another time, I went to a bookstore where I know they burn incense. Again, every time I started to worry or feel nervous, I told myself that incense is powerful, calming, and the particular kind they were burning had a soothing fragrance. And once again, I did not have any negative reactions. So at JournalCon, I hung out with many smoking folks, even though I do not smoke. And many, many cigarettes were smoked in 227 Saturday night! I barely gave it any thought, just stayed relaxed, and had a fun time with all those phenomenal people, and once again, no negative reactions. I'm not going to place blame anywhere for my former reactions, but I will say that I used to associate with a lot of uptight people. Many family members have various anxiety issues, and I think I absorbed a lot of that during my childhood years. Anxiety is a hard thing to break free from, and it's taken me some time to let go of that kind of thing, and learn to trust myself, my body, and my intuition. And now that I'm capable of relaxing and truly believing I'll be fine in various situations, that is exactly what comes to pass. I do believe that we get what we expect in life. And I expect to be healthy and have fun!

So I DID get what I expected this weekend, including foot pain and issues with my diet. And when I concentrated on how bad I felt, I only felt worse. But the times I was able to just relax and not worry were the times I had the most fun. And through it all, I was reminded to trust my instincts and/or that things always seem to work out nicely, somehow.

I like recording all this stuff. Random as it all may be, it strikes me as important right now. The fact that eating cheese wasn't the end of the world. That my foot pain sucks, but is temporary, and will pass, just as my other physical ailments have. That I've gotten over long-held fears, something I never expected to happen. That I'm starting to trust myself more than I ever used to. It's all wonderfully uplifting. Where did all this personal growth come from? I thought I was just meeting fellow web geeks and gettin' liquored up! Just goes to show that things can be learned even in the most unexpected of places. As long as there's no midterm, I'm not complaining.

And now I'm experiencing Life After JournalCon, an odd transition.

Monday, I lazed around in my pajamas. Did nothing but write and read JC entries. Lazy, lazy Monday. It was awesome.

Tonight, I went to work. The last time I was there was Thursday, and it feels like years have passed, instead of five days. (People actually expected me to work and be on the ball and get shit done, like I always do. Can you believe them?? Crazy bastards...) In the time that I was gone, stupid stuff happened because of careless people and it made me re-think the whole concept of working there. By the end of the night I felt a lot better, and decided I'll keep my job at least a little while longer. But there was stress there that I wasn't quite willing to deal with, just yet. Just bullshit stuff. Working is a pain in the ass sometimes.

I just realized that if there is, in fact, a theme to all of the above, I think it's that even when stuff really sucks ass, it's usually not as bad as it seems....

Now that I'm home, I've been continuing to read JC entries (as new ones are posted) and remembering all sorts of fun stuff, or in the case of people I didn't hang with, finding out what they got to do. It's so fascinating and strange to read all the memories that stood out for people, and all the styles in which the events are recorded. Fun times.

I kind of feel sad right now. I miss everyone!! It was such a social weekend, and now I'm back to my quiet life. I mean, quiet life is good and all, but I miss the rockin' conversation and bonding time. There are so many people I just met who I wish I had as neighbors! Y'all are good people. And there are many who actually are practically my neighbors, so there will have to be some sort of get together planned for the near future.

As someone who is pretty new to the journalling scene, I am very glad I got a chance to attend JournalCon. I'm also way proud of myself for planning to go for a year, and actually following through with it! Go, me!! Anyway, I feel a little more in the loop than I previously did, and I got to meet some great folks who I seriously need to keep in touch with. Or begin stalking. How 'bout a little of both?

I find it rather appropriate to begin this new phase of my journal with all JournalCon entries. But it can't last forever.

Real life entries coming soon.

Thanks, hugs, and love to all you rockstars!!

Your random fact of the day: Ever since I downloaded it today, I haven't been able to stop listening to Ludacris's "What's Your Fantasy?" I have an unexplicable love for this song. Thanks, AB!

I wanna li-li-li-li-lick you from your head to your toes...