Did you know I used to be a beauty consultant? It's true. I stopped pretty much right before my wedding and haven't done anything with it since. In March, I said to myself, "When I'm in Vegas, I will NOT think about my business!" And I didn't. And it was the most relaxed I'd been in a long-ass time. I have this habit of obsessing over things, you see. Therefore, I'm really well suited to jobs in which there are time clocks and people who tell me to go home. I don't get to bring my work home with me. There are set times to work, set up by other people, no less. When I'm in charge of such things, I change the rules around constantly and wear myself out. I think about working 24/7, therefore I feel like I'm working 24/7, when really, I'm not working at all. Basically I end up feeling exhausted and not even having any money to show for it!

What I'm trying to say is that in a lot of ways, the sales business is not for me.

The beauty industry is one of those things that boggles my mind, really. I mean, why are we made to feel like we need those products? Why do so many women wear make-up? Do we feel not-pretty-enough without it? Or do we just like the colors? Does the beauty industry just try to make women feel inadequate so that they'll want to cover up "facial flaws"? Or do they want to convince women that all women want to be pretty and feminine and that's why they should too (and I hate gender assumptions like that, by the way!)?

What is it??

I ask, because I really don't know. There are times I look at my face and see "uneven skin tone" and think it looks ugly. How sad is that? I shouldn't feel ugly because of a few acne scars or clogged pores! Then again, there are also times I look at my make-up-less face and feel totally cute.

There are times I wear make-up and think I look awesome, and there are times I think I look fake or just plain bizarre underneath those various shades and color enhancers.

I'm not sure of my own motivations for playing around with make-up. I just don't ever want to be one of those women who feels less than beautiful simply because she's not wearing make-up.

Why am I thinking about all of this, anyway, you ask? Because I ran out of moisturizer. Completely, totally out. And in order to get some more, I had to browse the website of the company I used to work for. The stuff I use is the stuff I used to sell, the same stuff you can only get from an individual in the business. So, do I call my old Director? The same woman I haven't talked to in the past 6 months? Or one of my sisters-in-law in the business? Well, the problem with that (besides trying to decide which sister-in-law to call and worrying about the possibility of hurt feelings) is that I'd have to wait for it to be mailed. And I couldn't do that right now. I mean, I ran completely out of moisturizer.

So I did the inevitable -- I hopped online and found someone local. At first, I tried to hide the fact that I used to do what she does. I am not sure why. I guess I felt embarrassed that I wasn't doing it anymore, namely because most people who are in this business rave about it being the best thing ever, and think things such as, "Oh my god, how could anyone not want to do this??" I know, because I was like that.

But we got to talking, and she was such a nice older woman. She wasn't super glamourized like some of the other women I've met in this business. She looked natural. She looked a little like my mom, actually. And get this, we volunteer at the same wildlife museum! We talked about the museum, as well as our experiences being beauty consultants and her weekly meetings and the women she knows in the business. They sounded really relaxed and laid back compared to the women I originally met in this area. She invited me to one of her meetings, very casually, and damn it all... I wanted to go. She said I could try out the new colors. Which I would love to do, actually, since I haven't been able to yet. But why? What is it? What is the huge appeal? Do I have anything in common with these women? Is it worth going just to check it out?

I became a beauty consultant because I wanted to do simple work that paid well, meet new friends, and learn not to be shy. I didn't make much money, because I was so inconsistent and unorganized. I made one great friend (who is no longer a consultant), and I have come a long, long way in terms of shyness.

I quit because I met too many people focused on money and money alone. I heard conversations based solely upon eyeliner, which is exactly the type of thing that makes me shudder. A number of those women talked openly about their faith in Christ, which is all great for them, but makes me feel uncomfortable, because I can't relate to that. The women I met were also super ultra feminine and I felt out of place (I grew up with three brothers... I'm a bit of a tomboy at heart). I felt like they didn't genuinely care about me or my life, and I felt like my desire to work with animals was looked down upon. Everything seemed really elitist. Many people didn't have friends outside of this beauty business. And because things were so perky all the time, the littlest things seemed like giant problems.

At the humane society, I help dogs. I teach them manners and socialize them so that they can get homes, so that they won't be killed at other shelters. So that they can get a second chance in life. We can't save them all, and sometimes we lose a few. And it's sad. But it's real. It's life and death work that matters to me. Not getting an order of lipsticks in, or having someone cancel an appointment on me for the third time in a row is not something I want to waste my energy worrying about.

I like to laugh at shows like "South Park" and "Jackass." I like the freedom to shout a string of obscenities in my car at other drivers if I want to. I like to be silly and make stupid jokes and eat Cheerios for dinner and buy thrift store clothes and hang out at dog parks and get piercings and hang out with my friends who also like those things.

I don't want to be obnoxious. I don't want to be elitist. I do NOT want to wear pantyhose or dress shoes (especially not heels!!!) ever again.

I love my bootcut jeans and tee shirts.

Then again, all the bad things I mentioned do not apply to my director nor to my sisters-in-law, nor to the woman I met today. Maybe I'm just generalizing and stereotyping. Maybe it's possible to be me, in all the ways I want to be, and still make a small amount of money as a part time skin care and beauty consultant.

Maybe it's for me, and maybe it's not.

I just don't know anymore.

~~Meg