Today was a nicer day than I expected it to be. Bittersweet is a good word to describe it, in fact. I got a phone call telling me that Zeke is being put down tomorrow morning. But somehow today seemed like a normal workday. We did the same old things. No one cried. I stood around talking with two of my co-workers for a long time about working with animals, becoming detatched or not emotionally from them, the careers of scientist and veterinarian, things we're not sure we could be. We talked about burning out, about our guilt in forgetting their needs from time to time, our guilt at feeling so accepting of the small cages they're in, until it hits us from time to time how sad their lives are right now. We talked about what a hard job this is, harder than we'd expected. We understood each other, and knowing how vulnerable each of us felt, we were kind to each other.

At the end of the evening, Cate asked if I'd be in tomorrow and I said no. She said she didn't know if she should come in the morning to say good-bye.

"Everyone will be sad and crying. It'll be too much. And considering that all animals are intuitive, especially Zeke, I think he'll feel overwhelmed if we're all here crying together. I said goodbye to him tonight. And I feel good about that," I told her.

She nodded and said she feels the same way. I told her that I spent some more time with him in one of the rooms tonight, just relaxing. I said that I love how he gets that silly, happy look in his face. She laughed. "That's a great way to leave it," she said.

I agree.

When Zeke and I were in his kennel, I hugged him, and he kissed my face a bunch of times. I scratched him and rubbed him and talked silly-happy talk which he seemed to prefer over the somber whispers I'd uttered moments before. I told him I was sorry. Sorry we couldn't do more for him. Sorry he'd been treated badly before he ever came to us. Sorry he is so afraid all the time. It was nice spending that time with him. It was nice knowing we could share those happy moments on the last night I got to see him. I told him Nora would be there with him and not to be afraid. I closed the kennel door and said, "Goodnight, Zeke." I paused and took a good long look at him, and said more quietly, "Good-bye, Zeke." I reached my hand out to him and he licked me. And I left.

Earlier, Erica (one of my favorite volunteers) had asked me if I was okay with this situation. I told her I was, that I'd had a few days to let the news sink in. I told her I feel better being with him. "I'm not sad when I'm right next to him, and he's happy like this. I'll cry at home, I'm sure."

And I was right...

~Meg