You know, I'm probably going to make myself sound like an ignorant ass here, but I'll be perfectly honest... I used to get confused as to why some of my friends who are moms of toddlers seeemed so impatient with them at times. I used to think my nanny friends were super lucky because they had such "easy" jobs. Taking care of kids. Really, how hard could it be?

Well. Pretty hard, it turns out! I had no idea taking care of a kid could be so exhausting!

Even when people have said, "Being a mom is the hardest job there is," I would nod solemnly in agreement. That must be true, yes. Tiring, of course. Why wouldn't it be? But still. No clue. Don't get me wrong -- I'm certainly not a parent, so can't claim to understand what it would feel like to be one. I still have no clue. But since I started caring for Vic on a Monday-thru-Friday basis, I have a better idea of what is involved in childcare than I ever did before, and I feel like my understanding, empathy, and respect of mothers and nannies alike has increased a thousand-fold.

Poor Vic has been really sick, which has added extra challenges to caring for him this week. He got a mild case of chicken pox from the chicken pox vaccine. He has had a fever and seemed pretty miserable the last few days. But in a weird way, I almost envy him. Not only is that the most mild case of chicken pox I've ever heard of (about 5 or 6 bumps total), but he's young enough that he'll never even remember it.

Anyway, Tuesday, he only wanted to be held, while I stood and/or walked. Sitting in a chair with him? Lying on the bed next to him? No and no. Tantrum city. Holding and walking. That was it. Needless to say, it was pretty rough.

He did go down for a nap, at which point I thanked the heavens and expected a nice long reprieve for my sore arms and shoulders... but, dude! He only slept for 20 minutes! What crazy quirk of nature made it so that when babies are sick and exhausted, they absolutely cannot sleep?? I walked around with him again so that he'd sleep some more, and he might have gotten 20 more minutes of sleep in my arms. At that point, I wanted someone to carry me around!

When Beth came home and nursed him, Vic totally perked up and was in much better spirits. He even took his first real, solid steps while we were all in the kitchen together! He'd been doing half steps every so often, but that night, he took a few big walking steps! It was so awesome! But also scary. He'll be harder to keep up with once he starts walking! Heh...

The next day (Wednesday), Sabs opened the door, and instead of saying hello, he let out an exhausted sigh, and my heart just sank. "It's going to be rough today," he said.

I paused and asked, "Like, worse than yesterday?"

"Same or worse," he warned me.

"I'll try not to lose my mind," I said.

Strangely enough, Vic and I had a pretty pleasant afternoon together, filled with quiet playing, t.v. watching, and sleepiness. Not too much crankiness (he must have hauled out the big guns with Sabs that morning!), which was awesome. And as an added bonus, Beth was able to come home early, which put Vic in the best of moods, and she and I had a really nice time chatting for a while. It was great!

Today was more like Tuesday, except that he'd cry to be held, and then cry, kick me, slap at me, and squirm out of my arms to be put down, then scream the shrillest scream known to mankind once he was on the floor. That is one confused child. I think he was just miserable and didn't know what to do about it. Poor guy.

There were a few quiet moments of the day, too, thankfully. One was when we watched t.v. for 20 minutes straight -- hooray for kids' cartoons! Caillou, you're my hero! And another was when Vic drew with my pen and his crayons on a sheet of paper. Very cute. No napping to speak of while he was with me, but he did take a nap once Beth came home and nursed him, so that was good. And Beth and I were able to enjoy some time chatting and sharing childhood stories, etc. It was awesome! A nice way to relax after a truly crazy day. I'm happy I'm home now. Exhausted, but happy.

So you see, "taking care of a kid" is really a lot more complex than it sounds. Kids often scream at you like you're the meanest person ever when you wipe their hands or faces, when you change their diapers, when you put clothes on them. They crawl away before you clean them up during a diaper change. Sometimes they scream and you don't have any idea why. Sometimes they cry so much or so loudly that all you want to do is cry right along with them. And sometimes you do. And I just... didn't know any of that.

I get that I've only just tapped my toe on the tip of the iceberg, here. There's obviously more to having kids than taking care of them for six or seven hours a day. But I think recognizing my own lack of knowledge/understanding about everything involved in childcare makes me realize that actually being a parent is an entirely different, even bigger, even more unknown-to-me ballpark. Hell, forget ballparks, it's got to be light years away from what I've always imagined, a totally elusive galaxy that I can't possibly begin to know.

And now, because of all of the above, I feel like I'm at a healthy fear level about having kids. By that I mean, instead of saying, "Oh, I could have kids soon. We could handle it," like I used to (um, what was I thinking?), I now find myself saying, "Yeah, we'll see about kids later. Much.. later..."

I love kids. But god, I'm so not ready for any of my own.

The cool thing is that Beth hit it home for me when she said she thinks everything is different when you're dealing with your own kids. She said, "Anything for my baby..." And that is so utterly sweet to me; a testament of motherhood, and a feeling I look forward to knowing... Someday...