Right now, little Vic is sleeping. This week is worlds away from last week. He's feeling better, and has been laughing a lot yesterday and today. I like that the cats make him laugh so much. I also like it when he waves "bye-bye" after finishing his food. I think that's such a clever connection to make! When people go away, you wave bye-bye, so when the food is gone? Wave bye-bye! Sure, why not? Super cool!

We've been having a good couple of days filled with laughter and decent naps. That last bit is enough to make me want to burst into song with the Hallelujah chorus. Yay for well-rested children!

It's weird. It's so easy to get to a point where I think I don't ever want to have children. That thought in itself sounds kind of unlike me, now. But truthfully, I used to think I never wanted children. Only in the last few years have I thought that I definitely do. And only in the past almost-year have I vascillated with my former ways of thinking.

But then? Then Victor giggles at me when I hold him upside down, and I think, "This moment is so precious and awesome." And then my sister-in-law sends a picture of my niece, who I'm convinced is the most beautiful baby girl ever in the world, and my brain says, "I want one!"

And then I don't know what to think anymore!

Actually, I think right now it's okay that it's hard for me to see myself as a parent. I think it's okay because right now, I absolutely don't want to be a parent. I'm glad I'm not. It just feels like the right thing to be child free at this point in time. I'm truly grateful for the way my life is, just as it is.

And, I know someday it'll just hit me. I'll have gotten my degree. I'll have worked a few years. Something will click inside me and I'll just say, "I can't not have a baby anymore." And if that never happens? I don't know. All I can do is live in and enjoy the present moment and worry about the rest when I come to it. Some things just work themselves out, as my mom always says. And I think this is one of those things.

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(the next part was written a few hours later)

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Vic woke up from his nap looking sad and super-sleepy, but wouldn't let me put him back down to sleep. So I laid on my back on the bed and held him in my arm with his head on my shoulder. He slept for another hour! I was in and out of a weird state of half-sleep. It was nice, though. Just lying there and relaxing and just... being. I don't do that enough. I believe too much of our culture puts emphasis on doing, when there's a great amount of joy and fulfillment in simply being, existing, enjoying things just as they happen. "Getting things done," shouldn't always be the measure of success. Sometimes just enjoying the tiny moments in life, whether it's watching a child play, meditating, walking, singing along with the radio, or taking a nap with a baby in your arms, are what's really important. And I think feelings of success stem more from truly living those small moments in life than anything else. It's good to be reminded of that, sometimes. Thanks, Vic.