I shopped in Lane Bryant yesterday for the first time. I am now a size 18. I was expecting to feel really depressed about buying another size up. But I'm not. I have two new pairs of shorts and a new shirt, all of which were on sale (always nice), and are really soft and fit me really well. I feel comfortable, which makes me happy! I feel really good in my soft, loose, summery clothes. I feel small in these shorts. Cute. Fun. Not fat.

The girl standing in line in front of me wore these sandals that absolutely crushed her feet. Her toes looked like they must be screaming in pain unless all circulation had been lost to them... also a distinct possibility. And I wanted to say in horror, "Doesn't that hurt?!"

But then I remembered a conversation I had a few years ago. I was wearing these stupidly uncomfortable shoes for a specific job I had. I felt really frustrated, like I was the only one who couldn't find comfortable dress shoes. So I asked another girl, "Did these women find much more comfortable shoes than I did, or are we all in this much pain?" I laughed, expecting her to share the location of the Comfortable Dress Shoe Store with me.

"No, we're all in pain, trust me," she said. "But you know, you just do what you have to for fashion..."

WHAT?! I was speechless. I felt hopeless. ALL these women were also in pain? That sucks! I had no idea so many women went around feeling so uncomfortable just for the sake of looking good. I always thought if you felt bad, you couldn't possibly look good. I guess some women are just good at hiding their pain. Or cutting off all feeling to their extremities.

Well, luckily, I am not willing to forgo comfort for fashion ever, ever again. I haven't worn uncomfortable dress shoes or pantyhose since I quit that job, and I don't plan to!

Comfort is key. See, even though I could have felt upset that the style of these new shorts of mine is so different from what I've always picked out (they're much longer -- hitting my knee, in fact), or I could have felt upset that they're larger than what I've been wearing, I just didn't. I felt so good and so comfortable that the smile on my face said it all. I couldn't see myself as anything other than happy when I looked in the mirror. And to me, that's what nice clothes are all about -- feeling good, in every way.

I'm not going to say I'm not a tiny bit bummed out in the back of my mind about being bigger than I ever have been. It's just that the comfort of these clothes, feeling good again, feeling excited to have clothes that fit so well, helps keep those feelings at bay.

There are a few other things keeping bad feelings at bay as well. One is that I'm coming up with a healthy eating plan. I've already begun eating more whole grains than processed ones. And I'm committed to buying groceries and cooking at home for the sake of my family's health. Fast food is just not okay anymore.

Two, while I do keep having moments of weakness in which I think, "Goddamn, I want some Krispy Kreme!" (hence, the three doughnuts left in the fridge), I am realizing more and more that sweets do not have the ability to satisfy me that they once did. For example, I used to simply go ga-ga over the cookies at Subway. My mouth would water at the sight of the white chocolate chip double fudge cookie at Quizno's. I would crave Reese's Pieces or M&Ms, and I would sometimes simply have to have a brownie. When I ate these things, my mouth was in ecstasy and I'd be thrilled that I decided to indulge myself in these treats.

But lately? It's all gone. I eat a Krispy Kreme and either say, "Hmm, that's okay," or feel slightly nauseated. The cookies at Subway and Quizno's are mediocre to gross, now. The sweets themselves haven't changed. I have. I don't know why, when, or how that happened, but it did. And this, my friends, is a good thing. It means I'll think twice the next time those, "Gotta have it!" feelings wash over me. I just don't care as much about sweets anymore.

You know what I do love? Fresh fruit. Whoever could have guessed that this sweet tooth girl would prefer canteloupe over a Hershey's bar? Weird! Well, I believe this unexpected and unintended switch in food tendencies will help me greatly in my quest for good health. Like I said, it's a major plus.

Lastly, even though I'm bigger than I ever have been, I also feel better about myself now than I ever have before. It's like it took gaining a bunch of weight to see that I'm beautiful no matter what size I am. I look at old pictures of myself and I cannot believe I used to feel so fat, unattractive, and un-sexy at times. I know I had some moments where I felt happy and self-confident (especially when I was exercising regularly). But there were far more self-doubting, self-depracating thoughts back then than there should have been. And now? Now I feel great about who I am, and I'm happy about my life. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments. But I'm glad to say there are now much more positive, encouraging thoughts in my head than there ever used to be. I'm becoming more aware of the importance of taking care of myself, of facing the reality of my health situation instead of thinking I'm as skinny as ever. My new size 18s tell me I'm not. My surprising reflection in store windows tells me I'm not. My stretch marks and the way my skin bends oddly as I turn and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror every morning also tells me I'm not. I'm not.

But even though that kind of sucks, in another way, it's also okay with me, because I have the power to work at getting fit once more. And I will. In the mean time, I plan to keep walking, keep eating better, do my exercise DVDs, and keep feeling cute and comfy in my brand new clothes.