Today was a damn good day. Thank god, dude, because I was in desperate need of one after yesterday, the day of Gloom and Doom (or, more appropriately, the day of Multiple Crying Episodes).

Part of what made yesterday so depressing was the fact it started out so good and ended up just so, so bad. And in the middle, it went back and forth a bit which made me want to rip out my own eyeballs.

Like I said, it started out great. The receptionist at the wildlife center complimented my shirt and my haircut and made me feel like the cutest thing since … uh.. Keebler elves?

Then I was frazzled and ridiculously worried that my classes were going to be unorganized and not so much fun. But they went great! It was about spiders, insects, and their babies. So I gave each child a mealworm to take home, in order to watch it become an adult beetle. I had them all make beetle books with 4 pages. They drew the egg and larva stage and will draw the other stages in the next two weeks, when their mealworm should hopefully become a beetle! I think it’s awesome!

One of the girls told me her worm’s name was Wormy. How adorable is that? Wait, it gets better! She told me Wormy was eating, and then said to me, “I think Wormy’s almost finished with her food now…”

I said, “Oh, cool, that’s great!” or something along those lines, and began speaking with her mother.

Then I saw the little girl look into her cup, and say, “Hi, Wormy. Hi!” And then, THEN, she blew kisses at it! She air-kissed into the cup and I almost died from sheer cuteness overload!!! So, so adorable. I love any child that loves bugs as much as I did at that age. I still like most insects in a “they’re so cool and fascinating, as long as they’re not in my house!” kind of way, but that love for them has faded quite a bit since I was three. ANYWAY.

So I was on a total teaching-high. My classes were super successful, and one of the museum staff members had seen another one of the little girls from my class and told me, “You have one happy student with her new mealworm! She’s showing everyone!”

So exciting! Plus, I got to talk to another one of my teacher friends, which was awesome. And she complimented me on my haircut, too! What an ego boost! I was so pumped up!

Then, I went to see Vic, and it was like a little miracle had occurred. Vic was happy and giggling! Happy! Giggling! Good mood! I was thrilled!!! I couldn’t believe he was back to his old self again, but was happy to see it. Well, apparently, I could believe it, and in fact did believe it, but shouldn’t have, because it didn’t last long. An hour later, he collapsed in a tantrum-throwing heap in the middle of the playground, while everyone stared at us. I hate feeling so “on display.” So I took him back home and he just deteriorated from there. More and more tantrums, which only got worse and worse. At one point, he seemed hungry, because he was crying in the kitchen. I offered him turkey. He did nothing, so I put it away, and he cried more. I offered it to him again, and he shook his head no, so I put it back and he cried even harder. I offered him a banana. He shook his head no really hard. I put the banana away. And he SCREAMED this blood curdling, nightmarish sound, and I was SO FRUSTRATED that I thought I might scream or throw the banana at him or something else just as terrible, if not worse. So I stepped right over him and marched into the bathroom, closing myself inside. I leaned up against the door, and sighed, not feeling a single ounce of compassion for his screaming and anxiety, and feeling like an asshole because of it. After a minute or two I went back out to deal with him, but I was not happy, and every single fussy sound he made from there on out made my whole body cringe with aggravation. I don’t like myself when I feel like that.

On the way home, Joe called me, and I was so thrilled to hear his voice, giddy that I was actually on the phone with him! He’s working in Montreal and doesn’t have a lot of time, and I didn’t know when I’d hear from him, so it was a wonderful surprise! I was so happy even to have just those five minutes to talk with him. My guy just called to say he loves me (just like the song! I love that song!). It was awesome!

Feeling lucky and happy, I tried to let the anxiety of the tantrum-crazed day go. I turned on my computer, checked voicemail, and just breathed, taking in the quietness of my apartment. Then I sat down to return a phone call and I already told you how that went.

I guess that was the straw that broke the camel’s back, because when I hung up, I burst into tears. I cried over the horrible, uncalled-for rudeness of the man I’d just spoken to, and cried some more over every last little thing that’s been bugging me for the past week. That’s the second week in a row that all my stress built up until it overflowed in a fountain of tears. (I’ve got to figure out some better coping skills!) I felt such hate and anger while I cried, at everything, everyone, and I just hurt, emotionally and physically. Then I cried harder once I realized the utter sadness that was underneath all the anger, causing it in the first place. Sad that I couldn't feel more compassionate towards Victor. Sad to be feeling like I never want to have children... Sad about a lot of things.

I found myself just wanting Joe to be home, missing him so badly. I miss(ed) his hugs and kisses, his reassurance, and miss(ed) laughing with him… And felt a little sadder. I didn’t want to go to bed feeling so angry and awful, for fear I’d have a rotten night’s sleep and possibly nightmares. I did a quick meditation before bed, and went to sleep even though my funk was still tangibly gripping me in its claws.

This morning, I felt well-rested and good. I was amazed at how much better everything seemed. A good night’s sleep can do a lot for a person. Then I read this really interesting article on tantrums, describing what goes on with a child when they’re having a tantrum (that they just can’t even think, they’re so stressed out) and how to best help them – sit with them, wait until it’s completely over and then hold them. This shows them that even when they have scary feelings, you stay by them, and when it’s over, someone will be there to reassure them. Distracting them will only make their stressed feelings build until they can let them out at a later time. Walking away from them, and/or being angry at them for having tantrums in the first place (both things I’m guilty of) only makes them feel worse -- that they’re bad for feeling sad/stressed/scared, and that you’ll abandon them when they feel this way, causing them to fear their own emotions as well. The article pointed out that tantrums aren’t “bad.” They just happen, and are normal, and the healing that comes from them is even healthy. It definitely put it in a new light for me, which made me feel a lot better, a lot more understanding of the whole thing, and much more reassured.

So when I arrived this afternoon and Vic had his first tantrum of the day, I did what the article said to do… I didn’t let my stress/anxiety/anger levels rise. I just sat with him, and to keep us BOTH calm, I said out loud, “It’s okay. You’re fine. This is normal. Your feelings aren’t bad. You’re not being bad. I’m not a bad person. We’re all fine, and this’ll end soon.” I’d never really watched him closely before when he has a tantrum. His eyes dart back and forth, in a really freaked-out way. It’s weird and a little sad. So he cried and screamed and flailed and kicked for a few minutes. Then he slowed down, and stopped, and he sighed. I picked him up and hugged him and he felt relaxed in my arms. Then he pulled back a bit, looked at me and smiled, and I felt like we’d just had a really big moment together. We got through it! With both of us smiling at the end, no less. That was a first!! And, I think, a pretty big deal.

We went to the park and he was great for the rest of the day. He played with other kids, including a girl who was smearing flavored lip gloss all over her mouth. He tried to put more on her face and then he just wanted to eat it. Mmm, cherry chapstick. It turns out that the little case that held the two lip glosses, as well as a necklace and bracelet didn’t even belong to that girl! She’d just found it, I suppose, and she and Victor got a big kick out of it.

Another little girl was even cuter. She was a bit older than most of the other kids and played ball with Victor. I’d try to play ball with him, and he wasn’t interested. But he really liked playing with her! It was so great to watch! She and I got to talking a bit. It turns out she’s eight years old and has a three year old brother. She said, “Playing with other olders is fun, but I don’t know. It’s great to play with little kids, too, because it just gives you a different experience.” That’s too much. How awesome! How can you not love the word, “olders”?? This little girl also told me that Victor looks like Chuckie from Rugrats, which I thought was very cute. Apparently, Vic smiles more than Chuckie, though. Hee!

It turns out these kids have an au pair and I got to chat with her, too. She just got here from Germany and wants to make some friends, so we exchanged email addresses! Cool!

I was in excellent spirits. Making connections with people, having cute conversations with adorable children, and Vic being in a great mood already had me feeling amazing. I felt awesome even before my kick-ass night, which will have to be told in a later entry. For now, I'm wiped, so off I go! Good-night!