At first, I thought I was going to pass out. Memories of each time it happened as a child flashed through my mind; how terrified I was then, how no one knew why for such a long time. When the doctors realized it had to do with heat exhaustion and dehydration, I made sure to always drink water. When I realized I feel shaky and get headaches if I don't eat, I made sure to always eat at regular intervals. Of course, I haven't always done those things as I should, and when I don't, I feel panicky and nervous that I'll wake up on the floor, in a daze, trying to understand the worry in everyone's eyes around me. And that afterwards, I'll feel petrified to go anywhere by myself, because that's how those light-headed and dizzy episodes always leave me feeling. I don't want to wake up in a crowd of strangers who might not know I need to go to the ER for intravenous fluids. I haven't actually passed out like that in ten years, but any dizziness without a known cause will bring all those fears rushing right back to the surface, no matter how much I thought I'd gotten over them.

Even though I thought I might pass out, I didn't. I was just having lunch with Joe, and had eaten, and was drinking... well, soda. So I asked Joe to get me water, which he did, because he is wonderful. And then we went home so I could rest.

But the dizziness, light-headedness, and weakness continued, and then I thought I was experiencing side effects from my anti-inflammatory medicine. I'd only been taking this particular pill for a week. I asked my dad, who is a doctor, about this, and he said unless I was allergic to it, I really shouldn't be reacting at all.

I stopped taking the medicine, and days later, the rapid pulse rate, the dizziness, the weakness are all still here. It's not the medicine. I feel out of it all the time, and some of the time, I feel extremely panicked and sick. I'm not dehydrated, on the verge of passing out. It's not heat exhaustion. It's not side effects from the medicine I was taking. I can't say for sure what it is, because I'm not a doctor (though I'm seeing mine on Monday morning).

But I think I'm experiencing Anxiety with a capital "A." I've had panic attacks in my life, but none that lasted this long. I've had an anxiety disorder (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) since I was a child, but have never felt that it interfered with my life to the point that I needed medication... until now (?). I'm not sure if there's a difference between Anxiety Disorder or OCD or if it's all the same thing, or why exactly it has peaked this week. But something is going on with me, and it needs to get fixed.

For the first time in my life, it's hard to fall asleep at night, because I can feel my heart beating in my chest. I'm exhausted. And my pulse is persistently above 100 beats per minute. It's only dipped below it a few times. The average pulse rate for an adult is 72 beats per minute, I've read. I've been taking my pulse regularly, and when I averaged out the past seven rates, the average was 99 bpm. Not sure how scientific that is, but still. Too high.

This week, whenever the phone rings, I startle, and my heart races. When I talk about things that annoy me, my chest tightens. Every single problem that would normally seem handleable is now cause for panic and shakiness. Sometimes, my brain is rational, even when I feel tense, and I'm able to say to myself, "It's okay, I can deal with this," which is the same pep talk I've given myself for years. Well, it's stopped helping. My body is tense no matter what the rational part of my brain says. And because of the uncertainty of my body's reactions to situations, I don't want to go anywhere lately. Wednesday, I had to teach and came thisclose to getting someone else to teach my second class. In fact, the only reason I didn't is that she wasn't at her desk to answer her phone when I called, and the kids were already choosing their seats in my classroom. I made it through, though shakily, and my heart rate was 116 bpm when I got home. Yesterday, I went out to see Bobbi and Loki, and we had a fabulous time. But I came home exhausted and tense, and I think that was enough activity for this week. How sad.

So today, I'm staying home, resting, because I don't want to freak out or pass out in a grocery store line full of strangers. And while it's nice to stay home, it also really sucks that I don't feel confident enough to go any place by myself. And I won't until I hear what my doctor has to say on Monday.

It's kind of amazing the lack of control I have over my body, sometimes. I can say, "I know I locked my door," but I can't help going back to check one more time. I can say, "This email is ready to send," but I can't help reading it twenty more times. I can say, "I know ___ is not a big deal," but my heart continues to race. I can hear the well-intentioned words, "Just relax," and they mean nothing to me. Because right now, I simply can't, and it sucks.