Well, I'm not dying. In fact, no one really knows what's wrong with me. Actually, I can tell you what's wrong, just not why. My pulse races when I wake up (and other times). I'm dizzy periodically throughout the day. I frequently feel nervous and stressed, even if not too much is going on. Sometimes I feel like I'm totally going to panic for absolutely no reason. I'm shaky, I'm tired, and I'm sick of feeling sick.

Why is any of this happening? Well, my money's still on Anxiety, but that hasn't been confirmed.

My doctor says my heart is normal. I saw her Monday. My bpm (heartbeats per minute) was at 129 when I first got there, and had dropped back to 98 by the time I was ready to go (normal is 60 to 100). In between those two readings, I had normal blood pressure, and an EKG -- also normal. When I told her I felt weird throughout the day, she prescribed a Holter Monitor for me.

A what?

Exactly.

Joe was with me, and we headed down to the medical center right away, after confirming they had an opening. As we sat in the lobby, I felt fine. Then I started feeling a little light-headed, so Joe set off to find me something to drink and Lifesavers candy. While he was gone, I felt kind of freaked out, feeling tense and nervous, and was relieved when he returned. He handed me the candy and a bottle of orange juice, which were quite delicious. And knowing I had some sugar in me made me worry less that I might pass out.

I got all hooked up to the monitor and had to wear it for a full 24 hours, writing down any and all symptoms in a diary of sorts, along with the exact times they occurred. Then the cardiologists would review all the information, checking the times I recorded in the diary as well as all the other information, write up a report, and send it to my doctor. The monitor consisted of a small box with seven wires coming out of it. The wires were buttoned onto these circular stickers that the nurse attached to my body (three visible, and four more under my shirt). It truly did remind me of the hospital scene in E.T. when Elliot and E.T. had all those stickers and wires stuck to them. The little box hung from my belt in its own case and recorded my heart's happenings on a compact flash card, just like the one in my digital camera. It was kind of cool! Until it started itching, and then I just wanted it off of me.

I worried that all of the bad feelings I'd been having might not occur that day, and therefore wouldn't be on record for the doctors to review, but all my worrying was for naught. As I tried to sleep that night, my pulse felt very fast to me. It was also very strong. I could feel my pulse in my chest, elbows, and down my arms into the palms of my hands. It was frustrating, and made it very difficult to sleep.

I had it taken off on Tuesday morning, and could not have been more relieved! The entire time I was wearing it, I was afraid I'd knock one of the wires out of place, or get the machine wet, or that I'd forget to record some vital piece of information in the diary. All went well, though, and then I was rid of it. Freedom, at last!

This morning I spoke with my doctor and apparently, my tests and my heart are "completely normal." And all I want to know is... what the fuck? Really. I'm very confused. She said that since my caffeine intake is essentially zero, she can't think of anything to tell me to change, as far as lifestyle goes. She said to call her if it gets worse. And she told me to have a good weekend.

Meanwhile I've been dizzy and had moments of fast pulse rates, and well, it's just weird to be told you're completely healthy when you don't really feel healthy. I guess I'll make sure to do lots of healthy things and lots of meditation exercises and see if this doesn't go away on its own. If it gets worse, I'll most certainly be calling my doctor. I mean, I'm not sure what else to do.

But I guess it's good my heart won't be exploding any time soon. Gotta be thankful for that.