I knew, right after I said it, that it was the wrong thing. The right feeling lay somewhere deep inside me, unable to be expressed, for it could not push through the wall of chaos, anxiety and anger that I’d built so well around myself. Nothing came out right, and nothing right came out. All the wrongness in the world spilled off my tongue and cut him deeply.

I sensed his withdrawal, the way I might sense the caution of a snake in danger, coiled, watching me, wondering how harmful I am, if I’ll attack again.

I had to do something to step out of that moment, to get away from the Crazy encompassing my heart, my life. I breathed, waiting for the thoughts to quiet, the feelings of helplessness and panic to cease and desist. I inhaled deeply, pursed my lips, and blew out all my rage.

Eight minutes later, I felt better. A little less frenzied, and a little more myself. I turned to apologize, and very slowly, the blow he’d received from me gave way to a small crack in his foundation, and parts of his heart crumbled before my very eyes. My wall, which had become lucid and shimmery after my eight minutes of breathing now melted and flowed away. Dams of emotion burst from fissures in the core of our souls. And we hurt, together. He, because I’d hurt him. And I, because I’d hurt him…

It wasn’t until days later that we could tap gently on each other’s shells, helping the other to break free from the thoughts and worries we’d collected over the past days’ contemplations. More tears flowed, but this time, so did words. Many words. Words of understanding and the kind of honesty that makes you feel like you’re handing your soul over to the other. And soon, there were no more walls, only us. Our true selves met once again, on the same level playing field, and a radiant love flowed from each heart to the other, slowly weaving its way through the cracks, rebuilding the previous damage, creating beings stronger than before.

Arms wrapped around one another. Soft murmurs emerged, followed by laughter. I know now the weight my words carry, the dangerous forms they can take, if I allow them to fly without thought. I want them to flow from a place of love and concern, truth and light. I don’t plan on building any more walls of upset and chaos. They only block out the man I love, and worse, me from myself.

I’m still learning so much, now and always. Sometimes it’s a difficult road. Sometimes luck intervenes and you find yourself with a partner willing to meet you, and walk with you. Hand in hand, we’re forging this path together, and for that, I am overwhelmingly grateful.