Do you know who's been scaring the hell out of me lately? SANTA CLAUS! Why? Because he's in my house!

Last night, I said to Joe, "I can't believe we have this! WHY do we have this?? STORES have singing Santas! Not people in their homes!!"

Then again, I'm sure more than one silly couple has bought a singing Santa to display proudly, and also to scare the life out of them when they walk into the living room first thing in the morning. I mean, clearly, it's not just us, because when we finally decided to take Santa Claus home with us, Walmart was sold OUT.

Let me back up a bit... Joe and I were leisurely walking around Walmart one fine evening a few weeks ago, looking at various Christmas decorations. Joe thought the eight-foot-tall inflatable snowman would look fabulous on our balcony last year, but we never got around to actually buying one. This year, I set off the motion-activated Singing Santa in the display of fake Christmas trees and scared myself half to death. Joe laughed and while watching him dance, he said, "That is the greatest thing ever. We have to get one."

"NO!" I said, thoroughly against the idea. "He'll just scare us all the time!"

"That's what'll be so great!" Joe laughed.

As we walked all around Walmart, shopping for other various important items (such as animal crackers), Joe continued trying to convince me how much fun we could have with Santa. "He's collapsible, so we can just drive around with him, and you can sit in the back with the microphone and make him talk so that people driving by will think I'm driving around talking to Santa!" He made a good argument, one that made me laugh very hard, but still, I was not convinced.

We left Walmart without Santa and a few weeks passed. Then, a couple of nights ago, Joe said we had to go to Walmart. When I asked why, he said, "I think you know why."

I finally gave in, now only mildly against the idea of Santa Claus staying in our home. But inside Walmart, Santa was nowhere to be seen. He wasn't even on display anymore! Joe asked one of the employees if they had any left, and did the Santa dance, to demonstrate what he was talking about. So the employee guy asks a co-worker, and they began talking in another language, the two men doing short little Santa dances back and forth as they discussed the item we were searching for. It was truly amazing, and amusing. A classic Christmas Moment, if there ever was one.

Finally, they concluded that there were no more Santas in Walmart. As we headed out to the car, Joe announced sadly, "That would have been great... This holiday season is ruined!" I didn't say much in return. I knew he just needed to get it out of his system.

In the next day or so, Joe looked online and found the manufacturer of Singing Santa and the stores in which they're sold. One of the stores listed was Bed, Bath & Beyond. Joe asked me last night if I wanted to go, and I said sure. We didn't get our hopes up, though. We both thought Bed, Bath & Beyond didn't really seem like the type of store to carry stuff like that.

As we pulled into a parking space, I thought I saw a guy dressed as Santa. He's moving kind of weird, though, I thought. "Joe! Is that... ?" I said. Joe looked over and gasped! We both started laughing and headed into the store. Sure enough, Singing Santa was dancing away right in the entrance of the store. There were many, many boxes of Singing Santas. And we went home with one.

We opened him up not long after we got home, and I soon discovered that Singing Santa is one of the best Christmas props EVER! Joe was right! We listened to Santa sing his regular Christmas carols for a little bit. Then we plugged in the microphone, and Joe and I took turns being Santa, and making each other double over with laughter.

Fun Things To Make Santa Say:

"Help me!"

"Where's my milk and cookies??"

"'Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?'"

"Ah, ah, ah... You wouldn't want to get on the naughty list!"

"Please... Please... let me go."

Perhaps best (weirdest?) of all, we plugged Santa into our CD player, and played David Cross's Shut Up, You Fucking Baby!. There's nothing quite like sitting with your husband, watching Santa Claus deliver stand-up comedy routines (of David Cross, no less!) in your living room. It's just... It's just awesome.

I told Joe we're going to look back on this time as The First Year We Got Santa.

"Remember the first year we got Santa? And how we made him do David Cross's comedy CD?? Ha ha HA!"

Yes, it is safe to say, even though he scares us nearly every time we glance over at him, we love our new Christmas toy. And Homer loves his new Christmas box...

Thanks, Singing Santa!