Friday I was making myself a little crazy. It was all my fault, though, because I kept not just making myself meditate. I don't know what is so hard about that sometimes. My anxiety levels start to rise, and the idea of sitting still just seems impossible. At least on Friday, I went for a walk to calm my nerves. It mostly worked, especially because I got into a pattern of really rhythmic breathing for a fairly good chunk of time. What was making me nutty, though, was the fact that I couldn't seem to stop narrating my day in my head. It was like mentally writing journal entries, and even though it was annoying me, I had a hard time stopping my brain from doing that. Very odd!

Other than that, the walk was fantastic. I walked four miles! It rained a little while I was out, which was cool. I hoped it wouldn't pour, since I walked pretty far from home, and I got lucky. Being outside felt really good, though, so I'm not sure I would have minded all that much if I'd gotten soaked. It's funny, when it rains lightly like that, and the skies are kind of grey, I feel so energized and happy!

I think I got that from growing up in Texas. There, rain was a rare enough occasion that any time it came pouring down (almost always accompanied by brilliant flashes of lightning and startling crashes of thunder), I ran outside! Rain would pelt me in the face and soak me through and through while I danced around in it, giggling. Before you think I'm crazy, I was (almost) never alone in doing that! A bunch of kids in the neighborhood or school (wherever we happened to be during these usually short downpours) would all get soaked together, and our parents and teachers would look at us and smile and shake their heads. "Crazy kids."

When I moved to Washington, it was all rain all the time. It was not special. No one liked it, including me. My contempt for the rain grew so slowly and unexpectedly that it wasn't until I was in a good mood one day that I realized what was going on. I was in a good mood, because the sun was out. Two days later, it was grey and rainy, and I knew I'd have to move.

Now that I live in California, my love for the brisk, rain spattering days is back in full force. I smiled on Friday as the rain landed gently on my face, and the wind whispered in my ear and danced through my fingers. I smiled at other runners and walkers, and they smiled back.

As I walked over a bridge, I noticed the sky was beginning to darken. My first thought was, "I have to get home." Then I realized I didn't have to get home. It hit me, then, that no one even knew I was out there. I didn't have to get home to Mom. Joe wasn't home worrying about me, either. All of a sudden, I realized that I'm an adult! I make my own decisions, I don't have to be home by dark unless I want to, I can drive to any store any time I want, and spend my days doing whatever I like. Wow. It's weird to realize that all at once. That I'm a grown-up. I don't know why that should seem so odd, but sometimes, it does. It's a pretty freeing feeling, actually, to realize that my life really is in my own hands.

I kept on walking as the skies grew darker and darker, and I made it home just after sunset. I like walking at dusk. I like walking, in general. Getting in shape is a good feeling, and it's coming along. Slowly, I'm stacking on the miles, toning my muscles, and apparently, making realizations about my life with each new step closer to my goal. It's awesome!