Today was good. We had a nice, quiet Valentine's Day. Joe and I aren't super big on this holiday. I did ask him if he'd be my valentine, though, and he said yes. We do that every year! We spent the day at home, took a nap together, and just enjoyed each other's company. We ordered pizza for dinner, and I drank my last Scrumpy Jack cider that I brought home from London. Perfect!

I even got to talk to Misti, which was wonderful! We talked about a variety of things, as usual, but while talking to her, I realized that I have been experiencing some pretty conflicting feelings about school.

As you may or may not know, I have applied to several schools as a transfer student for Fall 2004. My number one choice is a zoo school. It's actually a twenty-two month program called EATM (Exotic Animal Training and Management; pronounced "eat 'em!") at a school called Moorpark. Until now, I've been a little cautious about naming the exact program. Then I realized that a new online friend of mine found me because I mentioned it in one of my older entries. That is definitely a positive result from talking about the program! Also, I always used to talk about UCLA and stuff when I was applying there, so hell, I'll talk about Moorpark, too.

All right, so here's the deal with Moorpark. I thought only a few hundred people applied each year, but it turns out this is not the case. From what I'm told, around three thousand people apply each year. Of those applicants, somewhere around three hundred are asked to attend one of the informational meetings. Of the people who actually attend and keep their names in the database, fifty names will be drawn in a random lottery, and those will be the folks admitted for Fall.

As I mentioned, I've been asked to attend one of the meetings, and that's in March. I am incredibly excited about that!

Now for the part I just realized tonight... I have felt really uncertain about just how excited I want to let myself get.

On the one hand, when I re-applied to UCLA last year, I fully expected to be accepted, since I had been accepted the year before. Everyone at the wildlife center told me, "Well of COURSE you'll get in!" They were so supportive and upbeat. It was wonderful! But then I received my rejection letter, and it was a really harsh blow. Here I'd gotten my hopes up super high, and then I felt like someone had drop-kicked me when I got the bad news.

On the other hand, without even meaning to, I realize I took the opposite approach with the London trip. I tried incredibly hard NOT to get my hopes up. Then after talking to my dad one day and doing some planning with him, I realized I'd be able to go. So I called my mom and told her, "I guess I'm going to London." After all that time spent supressing my excitement, I couldn't believe I might actually be going on that trip. Mom was more excited for me than I was at that moment. Then, I swear to god, three days later, I called my mom and said, "Mom! I'm going to LONDON!!"

She said, "Yeah. I, uh... know. That's great!"

"It just hit me!!!"

Mom laughed. "Well, cool! It's very exciting."

The whole thing wasn't as exciting as it could have been, though, because I'd been distancing myself emotionally from the entire experience.

With Moorpark, I felt really protective of my feelings. Here I was with a letter in my hand from a school I've been wanting to go to for YEARS. I was like a little firecracker, ready to just go off at any given moment! Even so, I only told like two people that day. And those two people were happy for me, but nowhere near as excited as I was! I felt like people didn't quite get why I was freaking out. I mean, it's not like I'd actually gotten accepted, so what was all the excitement about right? But the actuality of my going to this school suddenly seemed so much more real, so well within reach! I'm IN the process I've dreamed about for so long. This is actually happening!!! I actually could be accepted to this program and start THIS Fall!!! That's where all the excitement is coming from!

Anyway, I realized today that I shut down a little bit. I held back. All of a sudden, I didn't want to tell anyone else about it. It felt safer to post it here on my website than actually tell any other people specifically. That way, no one else's well-meaning, but less than excited, reactions would even have the chance to bring me down.

I gave myself a little while for that initial freaking-out excitement to wear off before I felt okay telling the rest of my family and my friends. I told my family via e-mail, and my brother, Wyatt, sent back a wonderfully enthusiastic and supportive response from him and his wife, Alyssa.

I told Misti tonight, and she told me she's super excited for me! I feel silly for not realizing she would be! Of course she would be!! Misti is awesome!

That's when it hit me how much I've been holding back from sharing with others out of fear of being let down. But that's crazy! That's no way to do things, really. What's the point in NOT sharing amazing news with the people you love? It's only right to share excitement and good news, not hold it in. Especially the day you get that good news! I should have called everyone! I had every right to be excited! Holding back and pulling away from people didn't make any sense. How did I not realize this before?!

In the same vein, while it's true that the higher you get your hopes, the further you have to fall if they don't come to pass, it's almost worse to deny yourself the opportunity to get excited over something in the first place. I can tell you right now that I will be excruciatingly pissed off at myself if I get accepted into EATM and my reaction is, "Oh. Cool," because I didn't let myself get excited.

So, I am announcing here and now that I AM EXCITED!!! I am letting my hopes get high! I am letting myself believe I'll be accepted into this program! I want this more than I've wanted to go to any other school EVER, and I cannot freaking wait until May to find out whether I'm in or not! Even if (god forbid) something were to happen, and I wasn't accepted, I'd rather be devastated by it for a little while than mildly phased. And if I do get accepted, I want to feel that excitement then and there for all that it's worth! I will burst into tears and jump up and down and freak the fuck out, because... why not?? Then I will call everyone I know, crying and hysterical, telling them one of my biggest dreams has come true! I really want that. I want this! And I'm excited about it!! And you know? That feels great.