The first week in April has absolutely flown by, and I must admit, I'm glad. Because this is the month when it all comes together, man. This is the month I should be hearing from all the schools I applied to. Of course, the one that's most important to me is the EATM program. That's top of the list. "The end of April," they said. Every day, the end of April comes closer, and every time I check the mail, I have this little hope inside that maybe they mailed the letters early. Like, three weeks early!! Highly unlikely, so I'll just have to hold my horses, and wait for the actual end of the month to arrive. And then I'll know. I can't believe I'll know this month. I'm really... freaking out, to be honest! I was going to write "looking forward to it," but that's so cliche, and even though it's true, it's more accurate to say I'm freaking out a little bit. I think about it every single day. I'm still having EATM dreams, too.

The latest EATM dream I had was crazy. I was a student in the program, and I was supposed to be fixing a turtle enclosure with the help of this one girl. Then somehow I caused the entire turtle house (which looked like an Igloo dog house) to collapse! I even accidentally poked a turtle with the shovel as I was digging, and I felt so bad! We had a student meeting to decide how to rebuild it. As we were discussing it, the girl I'd originally been working with fell into a diferent hole I'd dug! What the hell, man?? I was screwing it all up!

It makes sense, though, right? Screwing things up in the dream just shows my insecurities. I think.

As for the turtles, I looked up their meaning on a site about Medicine Animals, and this is what I found:

Turtle - Earth - Grounding Turtle is the oldest symbol for the planet Earth in Native American teachings. Turtle reminds us of the cycles of give and take and of our protective shield (shell). Turtle plods along at a steady pace, knowing that everything has its own time. Turtle has two homes, earth and water and shows us how to live within the emotional waters of life while firmly grounded. Is turtle telling you it is time to go inside yourself and honor your feelings regardless of what is going on around you? In learning to ground, we must slow our pace, and focus on our thoughts and actions. Is it telling you to honor the creative source within? Like turtle eggs buried in the sand, are you developing your ideas before sharing them - or are you in a rush - 'pushing the river' so to speak? Turtle represents the Earth Mother and reminds us we are never alone - we are children of the Earth. Mother Earth is full of creative force and abundance for us to tap into ....

That part about turtle knowing everything happens in its own time? Yeah. Little Miss Impatience that I am, I think I could stand to learn that lesson from the turtles!

The part that really stood out to me, though, was looking within to who I really am, and honoring my feelings. I've been learning over the past six months that I used to be in the very bad habit of putting other peoples' feelings before my own. I thought I'd stopped doing that until I had a talk about it with my therapist. Through our discussion, I realized that I have always thought there were only two options when people pissed me off, hurt my feelings and/or made me uncomfortable:

1) tell them off, complete with profanities and screaming

or

2) be completely silent and just let it go

Well, I rarely felt okay with the first option, so I've almost always gone with Option Number Two. And the problem with that option is that I don't actually let it go. I don't say anything, and it continues to bother me for a very long time, even while I'm mentally trying to beat the issue away with a stick, and telling myself to just "get over it."

My therapist told me it actually is okay to just tell people how I'm feeling. Stating a fact is not accusatory or mean (something I've often been afraid of being if I stand up to people). Saying something like, "I'm disappointed because you did X," does not make me the bad guy. AND, I'm standing up for myself, which is important. I mean, hell, if I don't stand up for my feelings, who will, right?

Anyway, it was really eye-opening, and I think these turtles popping up in my life (I've seen them in more places than just my dreams) are reinforcing that lesson. So, thanks turtles!

Another lesson I've been learning lately is that I do, in fact, have self discipline! See, when the EATM folks said we had to have a lot of self discipline to be in the program, that we couldn't miss days, couldn't be sick, couldn't be late... I got really freaked out! I missed many days of work when I was at the animal shelter! (They actually talked to me about it one time, heh.) So when I signed up for these fitness classes I'm in, I decided not to miss any of them, just to prove to myself that I could do it. And I can! I haven't missed a single one! I haven't even been late.

The past two days, I've felt particularly proud of myself, because I totally did not want to exercise, but I did anyway. That is a huge deal for me! Usually when I don't want to do something, I just don't. It's nice to see I'm able to make a commitment and stick to it. The real bonus is that every time I do show up to a fitness class, I have fun.

Last night, for instance, in self defense class, I learned how to fall and how to throw people. It was so freaking awesome! I've always been petrified of falling, which was a huge reason for avoiding things like ice skating, skiing, and ... I don't know, anything else where I might fall! I was really scared last night, too. But once we got going, it was all right. I fell a few times on my own. Then I threw my partner. Then, I let her throw me. Then I was totally fine and even let one of the kickass green belt guys throw me really fast. It was so freaky, but I fell correctly, and it worked. Every time I popped back up and felt okay, I laughed and said, "This is cool!" My partner laughed at me and said, "I know, isn't it great?" We had a good time.

Of course I used my thigh muscles so, so much last night that they're killing me today. Even so, I went ahead and did water aerobics, then hiked with Bobbi and Loki. I'm feeling really good about that, even if my legs aren't. I see lots of stretching and continued walking in my future. Oh, that reminds me! Guess who broke 100 miles today? (Hint: check sidebar to the right!) So exciting!!

Here's hoping the rest of the month is as fun, full, and exciting as this past week has been. If it is, maybe the rest of the month will fly by, too, and before I know it, I'll have that EATM letter in my hands! I'm... still freaking out about it, but I'm looking forward to it, too!