Clothes shopping is never simply shopping for me, anymore. Maybe it's because it's such a rare activity for me in the first place. Or maybe it's because I'm just very aware of my body these days. Either way, it's a strange, often daunting, yet eye-opening experience.

I have many questions about the current trends in fashion, most of which annoy me. Let's start with, why are those Ug boots so damn popular? They're everywhere, and I don't get the appeal. Moving on...

Why is a size 16 considered a plus-size? Especially when the average American woman is a size 14?

In one shop I went into, I noticed some cute sweaters. I asked the girl working there if they had any extra larges in those styles. She said, "The largest size we carry is a Large." Are you kidding me? WHY?? Yes, there are lots of skinny teenagers running around, but have these stores not heard that America has an obesity problem? Why can't the overweight women of America find some clothes in the regular mall stores?

I didn't know whether to be saddened or relieved that most of the sweaters I came across in Express and other stores were a size 0 (or X-Small). Saddened because they make size 0 items, or relieved that those were the sizes still sitting on the shelf when there was nary an extra-large to be found.

It should come as no surprise that my self-esteem and body image took a terrible fall in this shopping excursion. When the large sizes are so snug you can barely get in and out of them without fear of tearing them in two, you can't help feeling like a giant moose.

No fewer than five stores later, I wandered into Macy's. Thank god for Macy's! Their Large sizes actually are true to their name. They didn't fit me great (still ended up purchasing extra-large tops), but damnit, they were a hell of a lot bigger than those other stores' Large sizes. And I was able to find some cute clothes that fit, leaving the store with a few outfits and my pride still intact.

The whole day was strange, because I realized a few things about myself. I don't usually see myself as fat. I know I have some weight to lose (40-50 lbs, actually), but I usually think of it as "just a little" and "not a big deal." Occasionally I'll catch myself in the mirror at a weird angle and think, "I have got to get rid of the fat rolls, because... ew." But for the most part, I like the way I look, and don't worry about it. That is, until I go shopping and feel like a ginormous freak. I'm not sure how to decipher this. Am I merely in denial about how unhealthy my extra weight is? Or do I have a positive body image? I actually don't know the answer to that question. (Maybe it's C, all of the above.)

I do know that part of what is going on with me is that I am smaller than I was this time last year. I'm smaller by about 10-15 lbs, and I'm sure several inches. I was wearing size 18 shorts in Summer '03. Now my size 18 stuff is all too big for me and I feel really good in my 16s. Originally this made me feel super small! I went down a size, after all! But after yesterday's shopping adventure, I realize I'm still considered plus-sized by the fashion industry. I still can't fit into the cute little outfits I see, or shop confidently in the regular women's clothing stores. I remember just going into American Eagle, oh those many years ago, and fitting into everything I tried on. I had my pick of whatever outfits I wanted, because I was tiny. I can't believe I never knew how slender I was. What a shame.

Anyway, it's not that I even want to shop at American Eagle anymore, necessarily, but it'd be nice to have that freedom back, to shop for anything I wanted without so much as a thought to whether or not the stores I walk into even carry my size. Because stores always carry the sizes that skinny girls fit into. So, seriously, where do the rest of us shop? For now, it's looking like Macy's for me. But hopefully, this time next year, I'll be able to shop wherever I please.