I found out yesterday morning that Sybil died Monday night. I spent much of the day crying. I posted a brief sentence or two about it in LiveJournal, and almost immediately afterwards, my friend Melissa called me. We talked for a bit, which was really nice. She suggested taking a walk, or going to the beach and enjoying the weather. It was only after we got off the phone that I thought of all the rain and flooding we've been having, the awesomely loud thunderstorms, the cold crisp air. And then I said to myself, Why not? I am going to go the beach and enjoy the weather, whatever today's weather may be!

I wore my khakis and hooded sweatshirt and headed down to the beach. It wasn't quite raining, but the skies were threatening to open up. The cold air felt good as I walked very carefully down to the ocean, so as not to get a ton of sand in my shoes. The waves were beautiful and huge, crashing on the shore with a sound that reminded me of the thunder I heard just a few nights ago. I just stood still and watched them for a while. A few seashells caught my eye, so I leaned over and picked them up. All of a sudden, a huge flock of seagulls surrounded me, chirping and chattering. I thought they were going to fly right over me on their way to someplace else, until they landed all around me. There must have been twenty or thirty of them, all standing in a circle, with me in the center, staring at me. I couldn't help laughing. "Hello!" I said.

One little brown gull said, "Cheepcheepcheepcheep!"

I shrugged and told him, "I have no idea what you're saying, but thanks for trying."

Another brown gull walked towards me a few steps, then turned and walked away. A white and grey one looked straight down for a moment, then looked back up. I suppose with everything that's been on my mind lately, it's not surprising that he reminded me of someone who just finished saying a prayer. I stood and watched them for a while as they just hung out with me. I took a bunch of pictures of them with my camera phone. I spent some time photographing the waves, as well.

"Well, I'm going to go now," I told them after several minutes had passed, and began walking. They hopped out of my way, making a sort of path for me as I walked toward the pavement. A few brown gulls followed me for several yards, chattering at me. "Good-bye!" I said, cheerily, laughing at their efforts.

On the one hand, I think they saw me pick something up and guessed I'd found food. I think they were hungry! On the other hand, it felt like something more. I like to think someone was trying to make me laugh. And if anything can make me laugh, it's the animals. Maybe it was God, Goddess, the Universe, whatever you want to call it. Maybe it was Sybil herself, a fellow animal lover. Whatever and however it happened, it felt like I was meant to be there right then, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, laughing, enjoying the animals and the beach.

I walked and walked, watching the waves, the surfers, and feeling raindrops sprinkle lightly on my face. The sun revealed itself at one point, vibrant and glowing, before being blanketed once more by the blue-grey clouds. I just kept walking, sometimes crying, sometimes not, letting my thoughts float around in my head as I took in the sights, sounds, and smells, and wished Sybil could be there with me.

As I headed back to my starting point, I saw a family playing by the large rocks on the shore. A man and wife, and two tiny kids. The older kid was a girl, maybe three or four years old, walking on sand dunes, as her parents kept an eye on her while letting the baby walk in the wet sand by the water. The girl tripped over every other mini-sand dune as her foot sunk several inches into it. She'd lose her balance, start to fall, and giggle every time. I couldn't help smiling so big at her. She looked up, beamed at me, and waved. I waved back and kept on walking, suddenly looking forward to having kids of my own someday.

The seagulls, the waves, the little girl all made me feel so grateful for happy things in life. I looked down and saw bits of trash and litter on the beach, which is always at least slightly aggravating. And realizing I was there in the first place because I was mourning my friend's death just really hit it home for me... I am incredibly grateful for this strange, weird, wonderful, horrible, amazingly beautiful, mind-boggling world we live in. And I'm grateful to be experiencing it all, no matter how painful some of it is. Sybil once said she was happy to just be experiencing the world and life, even the bad parts, because anything and everything can be an amazing experience, and everything is life and living, and how can you not be grateful for that? I love the way she saw things.

I watched the waves a bit more before heading home.

Once home, I lifted weights, I called my mom, and I cried a whole lot more. My mom is awesome, so easy to talk to, so insightful and supportive. Joe called me a few times throughout the day to see if I was okay. And on my Livejournal, several friends left supportive comments. I love my friends and family.

Later that night, Joe and I went out in the pouring rain. We were making one of our regular trips to Best Buy. As we rode in the car, he put his hand on mine and said, "I'm sorry about Sybil."

"Thanks," I said. "Me too."