Have you ever thought to yourself, "Okay, by this age I'll have figured X out and by this age, I'll have accomplished Y, and I have always been on the track for Z, so that's the plan and I'm sticking to it," only to find out that P and Q are also options and you actually have no idea where you're heading anymore?? Well, I HAVE!

How about I actually start trying to make sense?

You see, since I was a kid, I've been The Animal Girl. It's what I do. It's who I am. I love the animals, and since I was very young, I knew I wanted to work with them. I actually used to think up crazy scenarios, like I'd be this amazing animal whisperer and all the chimps in the jungle would love me if I loved them enough, and by virtue of that alone, I'd become famous, and write books and swim in a sea of money in my vault, a la Uncle Scrooge in Duck Tales (ah woo-ooo!).

Later, I became more realistic about not making money with animal care. But I still thought the animals would love me. Then, as I learned the differences between domesticated and wild animals, I learned that wild animals don't really love their caretakers, not in the way that a pet dog or cat or bunny does. It's just not the same. Some may only tolerate their keepers, some may show some affection, but all are still unpredictable and potentially dangerous. You can't let your guard down.

My view of wild animals evolved as I learned more and became more realistic about their care. It's not about touching them all the time, though working close to them and participating in their training would still have its rewards. And it definitely doesn't entail making lots of money. Still, it's what I've always wanted to do, so I need to stick with it, right?

Well... here's the thing. Wouldn't you know it - all this school stuff, all this talk of Psychology and whatnot, has opened my eyes to some interesting possibilities. Such as, did you know that I completely love psychopathology? Neither did I! I really like learning about anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, depression. Fascinating stuff. Never before have I wanted to be a psychologist until the day we learned about treating phobias in class. And I found myself thinking, I would love to be that person, the one to show people ways to conquer their anxiety, their phobias, their fear. And if I could do that with kids, I could combine my love of working with children and my desire to teach, and wouldn't have to deal with the politics (and underappreciation and low pay) of being a public school teacher.

So, shit. I want to be a psychologist now?? What the hell? Oh my god! And the thing is, I don't know! I don't know what I want. I don't want to close it off as a possibility! Here I thought I was done with school in a few months, but if I take this route, it's more student loans, and several more years of school. Ack!

But then? If I did those things? Then I would have the freedom to live anywhere in the U.S. (not only where there are good zoos). I could earn a decent living (maybe even own a house in California - gasp!). I could work reasonable hours. I could help people and feel like I was making a difference in their lives. Will I feel like I'm making a difference in the world if I clean poop all day? Won't cleaning animal poop get old after a few years? I mean, yes, there is much more to being a keeper than cleaning poop, but the poop part is a big part of it!

THEN! On top of these two career options, there is door #3, which is still very appealing to me, and that is to become a certified dog trainer. My friend, Bobbi, did it, and she's got a successful business, teaching puppy classes and doing private training for other clients. The problem with that is, owning your own business is hard work. Not much room for vacations and days off, at least not while business is building. And when are people available for training their doggies? Saturdays and Sundays. Because most people work Monday through Friday. And frankly, a Monday through Friday position is kind of appealing to me. I like spending weekends with Joe!

So, for the first time in my life, I'm actually considering what life might be like if I didn't pursue an animal care career, and it's pretty wacky. Actually, it's freaking me out. I thought I knew where I was going! All this time, it's been - I'll get my Bachelor's in my 20s, then get hired as a part time keeper, which will naturally flow into becoming a full time keeper and I'll live happily ever after. The End. And now? That's changed. Now I know that you can work years and years and forever as a part time keeper and never get hired as full time. The two don't naturally flow into one another, as counter-intuitive as that may seem. And I can't earn a decent living working part-time forever! Plus, I'm not even a keeper yet! I still haven't broken into that field! Animal care is crazily competitive, and I don't know if I'm up for it, because I don't even know if I'll like it long-term.

I told my friend, Misti, that I think I'm going to look for some internships related to both psychology and animal care. I really need to get a feel for what these fields would be like as a career. Only then will I really be able to feel out where I'm going with all this. The very next day after talking to her, I saw an ad on a bulletin board at school for a research opportunity in childhood anxiety disorders. Looks like this ball is already rolling, guys. I guess I'll see where it takes me.