I never watched the first season of American Idol. I have watched every season since then, though, and have loved every minute of it. Even so, somehow I've never taken the time to write much about it... until now! This year, I'm a little behind, but it's still early in the season, which means there's still plenty more episodes to write about as they unfold.

First of all, every year I look forward to the auditions. You know the producers must pass certain people on to the judges just for the purpose of getting these nutjobs on t.v. These people are insane. There are the kind and gentle insane people who are like, "Singing is my joy and my life, and my grandma's always told me I'm good, and well, I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't share my voice with the world!" And then they get in front of the judges and warble out some terribly off key tragedy of a performance, and after they're rejected (whether it's gently or harshly, depending on the judges' moods), they cry and cry, and say, "I just can't understand why I wasn't chosen!" (Even if they were directly told, "Not a single note was on key.")

Then there are the insane people who think they're teh shit, and same scenario as above, but different reaction: Cussing out the show, cussing out the judges, yelling at the camera, "You guys made a serious mistake cutting me - a SERIOUS mistake. You'll regret it, you'll see! $%&^# you! $%#@&%&* this whole show!!!" I am not sure who exactly these people think they are, but WOW. It's a sight to see.

Then there are the total trainwrecks - snippets of hoarseness, forgotten lines, ridiculous outfits... There also always seem to be a few sets of identical twins who want to sing together for some reason.

This year, some of the horrors that stand out in my mind are:

- This girl wearing the trashiest clothes known to mankind, who said, "I just like to dress nice like this all the time, cuz I'm classy." And later cussed out everyone under the stars because she was rejected.

- The off key girl who said she was just nervous because she needed to pee, and so they told her to come back in a half hour, and when she did, she was actually worse.

- The guy dressed entirely in an American Flag outfit, with a really thick accent, so excited about his upcoming citizenship in the States, but who was just awful as a singer.

- The guy impersonating a rastafarian, with a fake wig and a horrible fake accent, who did a rap number. And when they rejected him, he later cried to the camera! He said through his tears, "I don't know why I didn't just go in there and be myself and do a real audition - maybe I would have had a chance." And I was like, what?? DUDE, if you want to really audition, YEAH, just be yourself! I thought for sure when I saw him that he was one of those goofballs who wanted to have some fun on t.v., not that he had his heart set on actually being chosen. Talk about self sabotage! What a sad and strange man.

- And let's not forget that amazing (and I mean "amazing" in the most horrible way possible) guy with the green hair, to whom Simon said, "You like The Incredible Hulk's wife." I thought Joe might suffocate himself he was laughing so hard. I don't know that I've EVER seen him laugh that hard. Which made me laugh even harder! The line itself was funny, but soon I was just laughing at Joe, who couldn't stop himself, and the two of us set each other off the more we laughed. That was just awesome. The greatest burn in the history of the program!

I don't just like to watch the auditions for the freakshows, of course (though, those are fun in a wincing, "Oh my god, I don't know if I can actually watch these poor people," kind of way. Joe shouts through his cringing, "It's like watching a man die!"). I also love how the superstars are interspersed throughout. Some people just shine and belt out these clear, beautiful voices, and you can tell in ten seconds whether you want to hear more of them or not. I love watching them run out to their families, waving their golden tickets, and crying tears of joy. Goddamn, it chokes me up every time, because I am a complete sap. I love this show!

Of course, Joe and I watch all the shows together, because we're both completely hooked. We thought it couldn't get any better than it was already, before the identical twins, Terrell and Derrell hit the stage. These guys are pretentious and obnoxious and just all around ridiculous. They were pretty good singers, but for the love of god, I hated hearing them speak. Not only were they rude and arrogant, but the whole completing each other's sentences and talking in unison thing that twins have going on? I HATE that. It's not cute - it's annoying to the Nth degree. God help me if I ever have twins.

Anyway, these guys were great, because they were so over the top in their obnoxiousness that you just had to laugh. The best was the group auditions. One brother was told he made it. A few rounds later, the next brother was told that he and the rest of his group made it. But then he had to have a moment to say something (as usual), and made some melodramatic speech. "My spirit is BROKEN," he started. He said that he and his brother were not being treated as they deserved to be on the show, and they were going to go complete their record elsewhere and they were resigning, by golly. Everyone sighed, and Simon was like, "Whatever, goodbye!"

Cut to - The two brothers are standing together in the hall, the first one chastizing the second. "You shouldn't have done that, man. You shouldn't have done that." He turns to the camera to say, "He thought I got cut!" He turns back to his brother to say, "You need to go back and apologize."

HAHAHAAHAHAHA! We had to pause the program for like ten minutes while we laughed ourselves silly. So they go back and apologize and Simon tells them brusquely, "We'll tell you in 30 minutes whether we want to invite you back or not."

Of course, they did invite them back, and the twins accepted, but it was great knowing they must have been sweating buckets those 30 minutes. Awesome stuff.

The next night was the show where we got to see which of the group would be chosen for the group of 24 - 12 guys, 12 girls. It was so much fun guessing who was staying and who was leaving. It's like gambling! Sooner or later, I'm sure I'll have real money riding on these people!

After a certain amount of time went by, Ryan Seacrest says to the audience, "I'm sure you're wondering what's become of our twins, Terrell and Derrell, well..." And it cuts to a shot of the twins going on and on about, "Our behavior has been exemplary. We're real American Idols because of our behavior alone. That should be taken into consideration in these auditions. We're angels." I swear to god - they actually said that!

Then it cuts to a news program, where the announcer says, "...the twins on hit t.v. show, American Idol, have been arrested." Dude, they are in jail! Joe and I laughed so hard, saying, "I didn't think the show could get any better. And then it DID!" Oh man, those guys are so ridiculous. I'm both glad and sad they won't be on the show anymore.

I also loved when one girl was accepted and she was so excited and Paula went to kiss her and somehow, she kissed her on the lips. Randy joked she should kiss them all on the lips, and the girl went to Simon next, and Simon looks over off stage, and asks coyly, "Are we allowed?" They must have given him some kind of signal, I guess (or not, heh), because she kissed Simon and Randy on the lips, too! That Simon, he cracks me up! (She liked Randy's lips the best, she said, since they were so full. In case anyone cared, and like, didn't see the show already!)

My current favorites are:

Mandisa - the girl who told Simon how he really hurt her feelings when he made a fat joke about her, but she forgives him because you can forgive people whether they apologize or not, and if Jesus can forgive us all, she can extend the same courtesy to Simon. Holy crap, that was an awesome speech she socked right to him, and Simon said, "Well, I am humbled," and hugged her. Then right before she left he said, "And I do apologize, Mandisa." Awesome!! Not only is she strong and amazing in personality, but her voice kicks ass.

Paris Bennett - She has such a different speaking voice from her singing voice! She is really cute and when she sings, I'm always like, "Please, keep going!!" I really like her.

And my most favorite of all, Taylor Hicks. This guy is AWESOME. I love his grey hair, I love his facial expressions, I love his smile, and I LOVE his voice (the pictures don't do him justice - you've got to see him in action to understand). He's got such a cool, bluesy sound, and I just hope he goes very, very far. He's fantastic.

All right, I think that's all I'll say for my wrapup of events so far. Look for more Idol recaps/reactions here every week, either Wednesday night, or Thursday morning. And don't forget to vote!!!

Megatron OUT. (hee!)