Time needs to seriously just... calm itself. Why the rush, time? Why you gotta run off so fast, anyway? Do you have someplace more important to be??

I have written about twenty journal entries lately. Fragments, anyway. But they were all in my head. Gah! I hate when that happens! Life has just been passing me by. And I'm not even doing much of anything! It's not like I'm studying all the time (though I seriously should be!). I'm not training for a triathlon, though maybe I should be doing that, too! No, it's just that I've been going about my life, being frustrated by some bits (exams, etc), thrilled by others, and just kind of living my life, forgetting to write about it.

That kind of sucks, though, because I like writing about my life. I used to ask, "Why do we all write about our lives online? Are we journalers/bloggers just severe narcissists and egomaniacs?" And while the short answer might be "yes," the longer answer is, "And so is the rest of humanity!"

My personality class answered it all for me, pretty recently. My professor told us that people really like talking about themselves. In studies where people are observed at cocktail parties, the more they talk about themselves, the more likely they are to report having learned a lot about other people at the end of the evening. This misperception comes from the utter glee people experience when telling others about their own lives and interests. We enjoy life more for the telling of it to others. Bizarre as it may seem, it also makes perfect sense. And what else are we doing here in the journaling world than writing about ourselves?

So yes, it's true. I like writing about my life, and need to make more of a point to do it more often. There are people on my list of sites that I love to visit who eventually stop writing, and it always makes me sad. Who knows - maybe people actually feel that way about my site? At the very least, I'm having fun right now, typing away at 3am, pretending I don't have to go to work in a few hours, wide awake due to a combination of a long, late-afternoon, lazy Saturday nap, and a piece of cake and Oreo shake from Jack in the Box. I'm not proud of that last part! Okay, it is kind of fun making late night ice cream trips with Joe every so often. But now I feel like I'd better walk a marathon tomorrow or something lest I gain 50 lbs overnight. Maybe 2 miles will do.

Speaking of exercise, I am in the biggest slump! Remember the whole time getting away from me thing (see above)? Yeah. That's part of it. Part of it is that I'm spending a crapload of time either in school, thinking about school, or just trying to get the hell home from school (and hence, not wanting to go to the school gym after classes are over, and most certainly not wanting to even attempt getting there before classes ever start). And part of it is that I'm a giant scaredy-cat, easily frightened away from certain scenarios. I was in somewhat of a good mode for a while, developing a routine, if you will - elliptical machine, followed by weight lifting. Simple enough. Until I started getting heart palpitations during the weight lifting! And now I don't want to exercise AT ALL until I get my heart checked out. I'm scheduling an EKG pretty soon to re-check my little tiny heart murmur. I'm sure it's nothing. And I'm sure there are ways to exercise that don't make my heart flop like a fish in my chest, but I don't feel like testing those waters again just yet. I'm working up to it.

I think it might really be as simple as, if I walk every day and eat better, I'll lose weight. That happened last year, in fact. I've seen it first hand, and I'm still somehow in denial that this is true about the way things work! Of course I've gone ahead and gained most of that weight back, which does suck (but apparently not enough to keep me away from shakes just yet, heh).

I think maybe I'll re-read the South Beach Diet book and do what I did before - just follow Phase 2. Which is really the same as following any healthy eating plan - whole grains, no white stuff or refined sugars, no processed foods. Whole grains, lean meats, low fat dairy, some fruits and lots of veggies. Why is this somehow harder to implement in action than it is in thought? It's kind of bizarre when you think about it! I'm working on that, too.

School is going well, including my classes and research. Okay, research is kind of annoying me, because I still don't feel like I have ANY idea what the fuck is going on half the time. But maybe that will clear up with experience. They're of the camp that believes training you is just making you do it, with very brief and rushed prior explanations of random things, which is pretty overwhelming to me, most of the time. I'm sure I'll get a handle on it. But remember the whole, "Maybe I want to get my Ph.D," shenanigans that popped into my head a while back? Forget that! That is too much work. And if I have to have a lab and conduct it, and it's anything as difficult to maintain as what I've seen in the lab I'm working with? No freaking way. I just want to graduate and be done with school for a long while, man. Possibly forever.

In other news, my job is going along fine. Between school, research, and work, I only have one day off a week, and sometimes not even that. It's been tiring, but I kind of feel dumb about that sometimes, because I know there are people who have it a lot harder than I do. Still, I don't thrive on being very busy, and tend to become a little hermit crab and crave quiet time when there's a lot going on in my life. But at least my job is fun! My co-workers have been really cool, and we tend to laugh a lot together. I like that we can be silly together and that they always have nutty stories to tell. The thing is, I'm not there very much any more, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay past my Australia trip. I should be finding out from my boss soon. There may be changes afoot! Who knows?

Speaking of Australia! That is looking very good. More and more, I feel okay saying, "I'm going to Australia this summer!" It still terrifies me a little, though, like somehow, something will pop up, and the whole thing will be gone. But I don't want to think that way, either! Better to be positive! Plus, this past week I sent in my entire application, and the only thing I'm waiting on is the email that says, "Your space is reserved!" Then I'll be onto some other steps including acquiring cash, and sooner or later, this will feel like the real thing. Secretly, I'm terribly excited!

In other news, I have stories from Seattle, San Diego Wild Animal Park, San Diego Zoo, and San Diego version: BirthdayCon! (Damn, I've been spending a lot of time down there lately!) Stay tuned! And have a happy weekend!